Poeple Who Make Me Sad

There are a lot of people in my life who make me happy. I remember a couple of years ago, at the beginning of a new academic year one of these great people mentioned to a new graduate student that the only way to survive grad school is to surround yourself with people who make you happy. I do that. And for the most part, I am happy. I appreciate all these wonderful people in my life. But they are not the topic of this post. I am thinking of the people who make me sad. The people who without trying, intentionally or unintentionally make me sad.

I talked to one such friend a couple of weeks ago. This is a friend from college. I would describe her as a hard working, motivated, ambitious go-getter. She completed college in three years, with high honours and took a great job with one of the biggest financial firms in the country. Within three years she was VP and making close to a quarter of a million dollars. She is someone I greatly respect and admire.

She lives far away from me now and so I never see her any more, I keep in touch by phone. But now every time I talk to her I leave the conversation with a weird feeling. A feeling I can best describe as sadness. There is the fact that I always seem to be the one doing the keeping in touch, she doesn’t always respond to calls or always has to stop talking to do something (more important?). That’s OK really. I understand having a life and being busy. But our conversations always seem to be about why I am still in grad school (yes it has really been five years, and I will probably be here for at least another year), will I ever make enough money (probably never as much as I would if I was doing what she does) and the all important why are you still single/not seeing anyone.

I always leave these conversations feeling really inadequate and insecure. Of course I wish I was done with graduate school. I didn’t plan to spend this long here. You reminding me everyday is not helping me; neither is it going to make me finish any sooner. Do I ever doubt my choice to go into the sciences instead of finance? Sure, I do. At least once a day, and even more on days when stupid reactions are even stupider; even more so knowing that the two of us started out in the same path but went different ways after the first year of college. I will never make as much money but I will probably (I hope) work fewer hours and be happier in a job with less risk. And no, money is not all. As for the relationships, it’s too long a story to talk about right now. Maybe if you were nicer, I would let you read my blog.

I had decided that I am not going to talk to her for a while. It does me no good to. But then she sent me a sweet text message to see how I am doing. And now I am feeling guilty about all my angry thoughts.

Ok, the end.

Public Displays of Affection

I am always weirded (according to MS Word, this is apparently not a word) out by PDA. My friends think I am some kind of prude, because I always roll my eyes or say something when I witness PDA. That’s probably a big chunk of it. But there are a few other legitimate (I believe) reasons.

First of, blame my attitude on the part of the world I come from. The culture/family I grew up in has never been one to show physical affection. Sure, kids hug their parents, and get back rubs and lay in their laps and whatever. But I find that seems to wear off after a few years. Maybe after ten years, or even earlier. Friends, sibling, same sex, opposite sex hold hand in public. It is perfectly accepted. Once it becomes “romantic,” however, then that’s a big No, No. We don’t do that.

I have never seen my parents kiss (thank God for that), or hug, and besides cursory touches, perhaps to guide during a walk or when opening a door, I have never seen any kind of physical affection shown. I always give my parents and siblings hugs when I go home or leave home. I am not sure if it is because that happens when I have been away from a while or will be gone for a while. But that’s about it.

But I have also never been in any doubt of my parents/sibling love and affection for me and for each other. There’s my Dad calling me if I don’t call at the regular time I do ever week or him calling whenever there is any report of any hazard in the US to see if I am OK. There is my Dad staying up to make sure my mum gets home each night before he can go to bed, or my mum calling my dad to make sure he has reached his destination when he is on a trip, or calling to make sure he has eaten when she is away from home. I guess I simply speak a different language. Physical affection is kept in private.

So when it comes to opposite sex couples, this is where my inhibitions come from. On the other hand, for same sex couples, I have different reasons, depending on where we are. On the east coast/north east (i.e. liberal, accepting, tolerant), my attitude is similar to opposite sex couples – Go get a room already! In more conservative regions however, I am usually also worried of what “others” see or would do. As cute as it is (in my head) to see any couple hold hand or kiss (no, I don’t care who you are, full blown make out sessions, should NOT be in public), with same sex couples I always have an added tinge of apprehension. Like, I hope there isn’t a bigot close by. I hope no one will say anything mean to them, I hope some crazy off their meds is not around. Maybe it is my internalized homophobia speaking. I don’t know.

So to all my friends who are couples (which seems to be everyone I know now), when I roll my eyes or make some random comment, it is not really about you. It is indeed about me. And all in my head. Really.

This topic reminds me of my high school’s rule book or whatever you will call. In the list of things you cannot do, students are reminded that “public displays of affection” and “overt displays of intimacy” are frowned upon. I remember as a 15 year old starting high school thinking, “Ewww, and who wants to do that anyway?” Did I mention that I was a late developer? Really late! I never really did get the giggles around boys (or girls either) or figure out why boys are special really. Of course now I can appreciate that concept. But I have no personal experience with the stupid giggly, eye fluttering stuff. I think.

I remember distinctly this friend in high school taking it on them self to teach me to give hugs. Most of the people in my school had either grown up in different cultures (e.g. The Ethiopians were all about kissing every random person on the cheeks to say hello), or had travelled a lot abroad and so were used to hugs and kisses to show affection. “Cousin Selly”, as this friend called me, “we definitely can’t have that,” she said. I do remember how awkward it was for me learning what to do with my arms and such.

The good news is that I turned out to be a really good hugger, if I do say so myself. As it turns out, when it comes to Love Languages, I speak Physical Touch. That is, I tend to show affection to the people I care about by my touch – a hug, a pat on the back, a ruffling of hair, etc. That is what I speak.

On the other hand, that’s not the language I respond to. Random people touching me? Weird! If I know you and I am comfortable with you (and it is really easy to know when I am), go ahead and touch me all you want. Otherwise, stay away. I hear Quality Time. Yes, spending five minutes with me is more important that buying me a diamond ring. Not that anyone is offering to buy me one at the moment. But if they were…

Update/Addendum:

This posting was actually written yesterday afternoon. Later in the evening, I turned on my TV to watch 20-20 on ABC. Coincidentally, they were doing a piece on Gay PDA. A video of the piece can also be seen here. Apparently, it doesn’t matter where you are in the country, most people don’t mind seeing PDA, even the same sex kind. And of course all over the country, from Birmingham AL in the south to Vermont in the north, there are people who are strongly opposed to same sex PDA.

Unfortunately, when some of the people who were strongly opposed to PDA were questioned, it wasn’t very obvious to me whether they were opposed to PDA in general or only to same sex PDA. A few did talk about how “this isn’t what God wants.”

Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life"

This is a really cute video.

Random quote 2

Is caesium poisonous? I think I spilt some in my mouth.

Another frustrated colleague.

How you accidentally spill a chemical in your mouth, I do not know. Good thing it wasn't really ceasium, and he didn't really spill. I love the guys I work with. Most days.

What I want

A blogger I read posted an old email from three years. In this email, he talked about his sexuality and questioned whether being gay or ex-gay is the right choice for him. He is an ex-gay who has recently leaned towards being more ex-ex-gay. He mentioned that he feels differently now. But even though he does, there are some parts of him that remains the same. It would have been interesting to have him mention which parts of that old email still feel the same to him.

But even if he is questioning again, I think it is probably normal, for most people. I will be hard pressed to believe someone who says that they are always certain of the choices they make all the time. I like it when posts are personal. It allows you to get a better feel of who they are and where they stand and how they are doing. I think. But, it is always weird for me when someone's feelings/thoughts mirror my own so much. I was recently talking to a friend about "What I want." Truthfully, I don't know.

Do I want to be with a man, "do I strive for the perfect suburban existence? A gas-guzzling SUV with kids and a mortgage payment I can’t afford. Would I want a husband if I wasn't sexually attracted to him" all the time?

Or do I want to be with a woman, in some city, some place, probably with a gas guzzling truck this time? :-) Would I want a wife if I wasn't attracted to her all the time? And this is certainly not the same as married couples not wanting/needing to have sex all the time.

Lucky me, I do get a choice. I am bisexual after all. I get to "pick" which I want. I am sure I will probably be equally happy. For different reasons. Option one will probably be the easier option. It will be make me happy - and my parents too (and right now, they are pretty much the only people I will give consideration in such an important decision). In an ideal world, this is the option I would want, without even thinking about it.

Option two is probably the more difficult option. It would probably kill my parents (I think, I am pretty certain) and I could probably never go home with her. Plus realistically, it is a harder option in the world we live in. Not that it is impossible. And no, if I got to choose, (without any such hinderances as also being attracted to women) this would NOT be my choice.

The other option I have given considerable thought to is having/adopting a baby by myself with some generous donor (any offers guys?) and living a celibate life. This choice comes with the task of explaining such a choice. Celibacy however has very little appeal for me. It is all fine and dandy in the short term but certainly not in the long term.

For me, there really aren’t any of the God issues here. I am pretty certain that in the grand scheme of things, God does not care as much about whom I share my bed with as people seem to think. And yes, this is a personal revelation/thought. I have often said that neither side of the issue has been able to convince me with anything from the bible. [When put to it, I can argue both sides of the issue equally well.]

The result of all of this confusion is that "I haven’t had “feelings” towards anyone of either sex in a long time. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will." Everyone around me says I am too picky. That's probably true. But the real issue here is that I am afraid. Afraid of not being true to one part of myself. Afraid that I can't possibly be truly happy, with a man or a woman. That I am going to commit to a man/woman and then want the other after a few weeks, years, whatever.

I will need to get over all of that. All in good time I guess.

As usual, I start out energetically and then suddenly loose my steam. Ask me if you want and I will say some more about my recent thoughts on these issues.

Random Quote 1

Spectra (and data) are so over rated. What ever happened to blind faith?
---------------------------------------------------------------- Frustrated colleague.

I know exactly how he felt. In a sense though, it does take a lot of faith to trust all the different data sources and analytical tools that we use daily. The irony is that few scientists will admit to having faith.

A New Year, A New Beginning

It is the beginning of a new year and with it comes the obligatory resolutions made. This year, I resolve to:

Update my blog regularly. I haven’t updated my blog in a long while. It isn’t because I haven’t felt like it or that I haven’t had anything to say. I have, on both counts. I have had a lot of interesting (to me at least) issues/topics/randomness I have wanted to blog about. If nothing else, I still have the majority of the 26 things I listed when I started this blog. Usually, these ideas come to me at work and I don’t want to blog at work. Somehow, I don’t remember or don’t feel like it when I get home. This year, I am going to be better. I am going to be aiming for at least one post a week. Maybe more if I am inspired.

This year, I am trying to be vegetarian, more precisely, Lacto-Ova vegetarian. I am eating dairy products and eggs. Since I moved to soy milk a few years back, milk products are included here because I want to allow myself to eat cheese, mainly pizza. And I eat eggs, usually used in baking but I do like a good omelette every once in a while. This decision is a part of my bigger goal of living a healthier lifestyle. Let’s see how long I will last. I am fairly certain I will be fine doing this. A couple of years ago, I tried this. However, I craved meat so much during that time that after that year, I went back to eating meat. Maybe this time, I will do better. So far, it has been about 21 days and counting.

And a few other random resolutions like:
- I won’t let people who don’t matter get to me.
- I will get out more and meet new people.
- I will be a better graduate student – work harder, longer, be more motivated and dedicated.
- I am taking charge of my own happiness. I can’t/refuse to let others determine/control my happiness. It is all about me.

And finally, I resolve to keep my resolutions this year. Like most people, I always make resolutions at the beginning of each year. Like most people, these resolutions don’t last past the first month. I will keep you (you know, you, the lone reader of my blog) updated on how these resolutions are holding up.

Here’s to a wonderful new year. A year filled with joy and happiness, love and laughter, successes and accomplishments, wonderful research and great results, papers written/read and theses written, graduations and jobs found. And even a few bruises and tears, because it is only when we experience all the ups plus the downs too of life can we fully appreciate all the good. Here is to being happy.

Go, have a drink on me.

I am a Dreamer

A couple of weeks ago, I had reason to consider which one dream for my life I most look forward to having come true. My response was something like this:

“I dream of a time when no mother will have to watch their child die, of any disease, but particularly of any disease that could easily be cured if they had access to a hospital, or to a few units of currency. I dream of a time when every child will be able to have at least one square meal each day and no child will have to go to bed hungry. I dream of a time when clean drinking water, good sanitation and access to good health care are taken for granted by everyone in this world.”

Big dreams huh? But I always say it doesn’t hurt to dream. It doesn’t hurt to think big. Because everything is possible, if everybody who is able joins to work together.

Here, I think the important question will be how I am hoping to achieve my dream. What am I doing to make sure that these big ideas become an actuality? Right now, not too much. Besides talking to people, about the politics of poverty in the world and particularly in Africa, not a whole lot.

But someday I will. Someday soon.

I am Christian

I haven’t blogged in a while. Part of it is a result of my usual ADD (undiagnosed of course). I sometimes get bored with projects (i.e. blogs) that I start and have to make myself finish/continue them. The other reason is that I am not always in the mood for writing on the particular topic/issue I have assigned myself.

When I started writing this blog, I listed 26 personality traits (look up at my header). The words on this list were carefully chosen to meet several needs. First of, going with the ABECEDARIAN theme, I came up with an alphabetical list. Secondly, I chose words that truthfully describe me or some situation I am currently in or some issue I think is important. Finally, I wanted to be able to write long discourses (maybe not so long for all of them) about each of these.

And so I set out with this blog, after making that list. Having this list ensures that I will not be at a loss on what to write about (for at least 26 different posts). I however did not anticipate not wanting to write about any particular topic at any time. Being the control freak I am, or is it OCD (yes, I take pride in my abilities as a self diagnosing armchair psychiatrist), I can’t bring myself to move randomly through my list. So I don’t write until I want to. That being said, I will go on to write about being a Christian.

I am a Christian, although I hesitate to call myself that anymore. In the 21st century, the word Christian has become a dirty word (much as it was in the early first century). On the one hand, in the United States of today, I don’t always want to be associated with the word Christian. Too many people with their own personal (oftentimes misguided) agenda are doing too good of a job soiling that name. On the other I can’t say I really am Christ-Like. I try to be, usually, most of the time (I hope). But I fall short, too often. So when I say I hesitate to call myself Christian, it isn’t because I am afraid to stand up for Christ. I want to. I do. Acknowledge Him as my lord I mean. But usually, my own actions, attitudes, thoughts embarrass me. I am afraid that people will look at me and not see the God in me, that one I worship but will see the ugly dirty heart that is all me. I know I am a poor representation of my Saviour. But I am working on it. I continue to be a work in progress.

In the mean time, I am going with describing myself as a Christ Follower, a Christ Believer. [That line probably requires more to be said here, but I lost my train of thought. Maybe some day I will say more.]

I was raised in a Christian home. I became a Christian (accepted Christ as my personal saviour) when I was about 8 years old. Until college, my spirituality was more of a culture than anything. I did what I did (studied the bible, went to church, prayed, etc) because that was how I was raised. I acted with no conscious thought of what I was doing beyond the fact that it had always been the same. In the last few years, after moving away from home I have taken responsibility for my relationship with God. It has involved me looking into myself, and asking what it is I believe and why I do believe. This search had allowed me to re-examine who God is (My Father, my Creator, my Saviour, my Friend) and in so doing, have come to terms with who I am (His Child - made in his image, Loved, Redeemed, Accepted, Chosen). I am a work in progress. Constantly seeking God's will and calling for me and trying to meet these within my best capabilities.

In some other post, I will describe what is has been like for me to try to follow Christ, in general and especially in the last few months. It hasn’t been very easy. It hasn’t always been very fun. What it has been is challenging, humbling and tricky.

I am Bisexual

I am attracted to both men and women.

Maybe now that I have written that down, I will someday be more comfortable saying it out loud. More often, more confidently, (more proudly?).

I have often paused to consider where I fall on the Kinsey scale. I think I am probably a 3 or a 4. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I think my answer would probably change depending on what kind of week I am having. For instance, does that fact that I have only seen guys I have been attracted to in the last few weeks make me straight? Or maybe that in the weeks before that, no one really caught my eye and so I was asexual then? It is silly really when we start labelling people, and things and feelings, and attractions. But I do.

It is interesting that I was up for doing a posting on sexuality. I just had a talk with one of my colleagues. She told me that another guy we work with thinks I am lesbian. That he won’t be surprised if some ten years from now, I did come out. He came to that conclusion after learning that I went to a women’s college (and I admit, I am a bit of a feminist and somewhat butch as well). Way to stereotype. Unfortunately (or not), I meet that stereotype, in this instance. Not that I would ever come out to him. He always passes these comments that seem really homophobic to me, but he always insists that he is simply joking. Plus he has a lot of gay friends so he cannot be a bigot, right? It is funny really. I want t go up to him and say, “You know, you got it wrong. I am not lesbian, I am simply bisexual.” If anything I would love to see him blanche (or whatever his reaction will be).

But then I am not sure he will believe me. A lot of people think that people who claim to be bisexual are really gays or lesbians in denial. Sometimes I think I am a heterosexual in denial. That maybe this attraction for women is all in my head. Sometimes I WANT it to be all in my head. So that some day when I give it a really good shake (my head I mean), I will go back to being normal. Sometimes, I am fine the way I am, abnormal.

[NB: I am using the words “normal” and “abnormal” here the way over 60% of the world’s population uses it. I am realistic enough to know that pro-gay supporters insisting that something is or isn’t doesn’t necessarily mean that the rest of the world agrees with them. My own opinion on this issue is fodder for another post.]

But I won’t say anything to him. Not now, or probably never. First of all, he is a big blabber mouth. But more importantly, I really want to keep my private life separate from my professional life. What I do (or don’t do) when I am not working is no one at work’s business. It is easier that way.

Plus I am way at the back of the proverbial closet. OK, not really. I am out to a few people. People I am comfortable with, who I know are going to be supportive of whatever decisions I take and who I trust to use this information wisely. When I am out to people, I don’t mind who they out me to, as long as it is relevant and they let me know that they did. Because, I hate not knowing that they know if they do know and I usually want them to know that I know that they know.

Besides my parents and my family (because it is too complicated), there really isn’t anyone who I would care if they knew.