What I want

A blogger I read posted an old email from three years. In this email, he talked about his sexuality and questioned whether being gay or ex-gay is the right choice for him. He is an ex-gay who has recently leaned towards being more ex-ex-gay. He mentioned that he feels differently now. But even though he does, there are some parts of him that remains the same. It would have been interesting to have him mention which parts of that old email still feel the same to him.

But even if he is questioning again, I think it is probably normal, for most people. I will be hard pressed to believe someone who says that they are always certain of the choices they make all the time. I like it when posts are personal. It allows you to get a better feel of who they are and where they stand and how they are doing. I think. But, it is always weird for me when someone's feelings/thoughts mirror my own so much. I was recently talking to a friend about "What I want." Truthfully, I don't know.

Do I want to be with a man, "do I strive for the perfect suburban existence? A gas-guzzling SUV with kids and a mortgage payment I can’t afford. Would I want a husband if I wasn't sexually attracted to him" all the time?

Or do I want to be with a woman, in some city, some place, probably with a gas guzzling truck this time? :-) Would I want a wife if I wasn't attracted to her all the time? And this is certainly not the same as married couples not wanting/needing to have sex all the time.

Lucky me, I do get a choice. I am bisexual after all. I get to "pick" which I want. I am sure I will probably be equally happy. For different reasons. Option one will probably be the easier option. It will be make me happy - and my parents too (and right now, they are pretty much the only people I will give consideration in such an important decision). In an ideal world, this is the option I would want, without even thinking about it.

Option two is probably the more difficult option. It would probably kill my parents (I think, I am pretty certain) and I could probably never go home with her. Plus realistically, it is a harder option in the world we live in. Not that it is impossible. And no, if I got to choose, (without any such hinderances as also being attracted to women) this would NOT be my choice.

The other option I have given considerable thought to is having/adopting a baby by myself with some generous donor (any offers guys?) and living a celibate life. This choice comes with the task of explaining such a choice. Celibacy however has very little appeal for me. It is all fine and dandy in the short term but certainly not in the long term.

For me, there really aren’t any of the God issues here. I am pretty certain that in the grand scheme of things, God does not care as much about whom I share my bed with as people seem to think. And yes, this is a personal revelation/thought. I have often said that neither side of the issue has been able to convince me with anything from the bible. [When put to it, I can argue both sides of the issue equally well.]

The result of all of this confusion is that "I haven’t had “feelings” towards anyone of either sex in a long time. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will." Everyone around me says I am too picky. That's probably true. But the real issue here is that I am afraid. Afraid of not being true to one part of myself. Afraid that I can't possibly be truly happy, with a man or a woman. That I am going to commit to a man/woman and then want the other after a few weeks, years, whatever.

I will need to get over all of that. All in good time I guess.

As usual, I start out energetically and then suddenly loose my steam. Ask me if you want and I will say some more about my recent thoughts on these issues.