The Big Fat Gay Quaker Wedding I

The main aim of this posting is to have a record of this event. It may sound narrative and longish, but I want to remember all the little details, so indulge me.

Update: This was supposed to be one blog posting, but apparently, when I start writing, I can’t seem to stop. It looks like I will have to chop up my narrative into smaller pieces. Here I go…

Last Saturday, two of my favourite people got married. These two are really cool people. In the context of marriage, they are the kind that makes you think, “They aren’t already married? What are they waiting for?” They are the kind of couple that seems like they were made to be with each other. The kind that leaves you at peace because they are together. [Trust me, I know. I do know couples that always make me wonder why they are together. The kind that I probably won’t enjoy seeing married because I will always wonder (and worry about) how long they will last. But I digress.]

I have such a long history with these guys. That last statement sounds like more than it is but it was fun to write. Let the speculations begin. :-) Truthfully though, it is simply the fact that between the two of them, they have been a big part in my keeping my sanity in this craziness call graduate school, for multiple reasons (fodder for another posting).

Before the wedding
Lucky me (or not) I got to see this wedding from the very beginning. Yes, I do remember the first day they met, but that’s not what I mean. I mean, I had the privilege of helping to plan this wedding. This is an interesting concept, me helping to plan a wedding. As if planning a gay Quaker wedding was not non-traditional enough, they decided to have an African and an Indian help them plan it. Oh, did I mention that the two wedding planners are probably the most unlikely pair to do this? One of them doesn’t believe in marriage, as an institution, for herself. The other isn’t really sure if she believes in the concept of love. You decide for yourself which planner has which ideas.

What we both agreed on was that we would probably never get to plan another wedding (for reasons previously mentioned), that it would probably be fun and we couldn’t really say no to these guys (amazing as they are). And it turns out we weren’t so bad at this wedding planning thing at all. Like I told the other wedding planner, if this grad school/academia thing doesn’t work out, we should consider going into the wedding planning business together.

Now, I can say that we all (the grooms and then wedding planners) were very naïve about how big planning a wedding is, how much responsibility it would be and how much time it would take. Especially since we are all in graduate school, full time and really don’t have much extra time to spare. For example, it really did take one of the grooms about 8 to 9 hours to iron all the table cloths and me 5 hours to make table runners!!! It really wasn’t so much about the big details though. It wasn’t about where to hold the reception on who was going to do the food or even what went on the menu. It was about things like making a shopping list, the little things. For example, did we need to buy two bottle openers, or were we going to just pull them from our houses? And were we to remember to bring them along to the reception or did we need to make notes? Were we making notes for ourselves or are we going to compile a master notes list? Oh, did I mention that all the four people involved here suffer from varying degrees of OCD and anality (i.e. being anal)? OK, now I have.

When I embarked on this project, I had two very simple “visions.” Can I call them that? First of all, I really wanted everything to be simple. For a variety of reasons: Quakers are strong believers in simplicity, and seeing that the grooms are Quakers, that should do well. And simplicity means less work. I thought. And yes, my suggestion of pizza and soda was vetoed really quickly (and now I can say) very rightly so. Lucky for everyone in attendance.

Secondly, I wanted everyone attending to be able to play a part in bringing everything together. My favourite memories of my family – my sisters and my cousins involve us getting together to put together family reunions or parties or weddings or whatever. I have very fond memories of all of us getting together before the event and planning, and cooking and setting up and cleaning up afterwards. Even little arguments about who wasn’t doing their fair share or who was lazy didn’t seem important in the end. I wanted everyone at this wedding (especially the friends) to have that experience. To be made to feel that they had had a significant part in putting together this great day. Beyond simply attending to actually being “in” the wedding.

So if you got stuck with helping to set up (too early in the morning) or tear down (late into the night), attending to a bar or bussing tables, you can go ahead and blame it all on me. But do remember how many great memories you created from having to wash an unending pile of dishes to lagging planters that weigh tons in and out of a van. Fun times

With all the craziness involved, everything did come together. I must say that by the Friday before the ceremony, I was ready to get it over with. Ready to get through this wedding planning mode and get back to real life (i.e. monotonous, frustrating graduate student living: wake – lab – home - sleep – wake, repeat cycle).

To be continued...

Explosion!

Random blog filler aka old journal entry

Today, I am going to be talking to you about explosions. I will start by introducing the general concepts of explosion, comment briefly on why they happen and focus the rest of my talk on why they shouldn't happen (at least not to me)...

Think loud boooommmmm. Think of everyone close by gasping. Think of that weird feeling you get when you know that that noise must be coming from your hood and no one else's. After all, who else in that module has anything explosive?

Or another scenario: You have the beaker tipped over the flask, and you are just pouring, and then you think OH NO! But in this case, you hand is swifter than your mind. Note that this is not normally the case.

Yet another scenario: Of course not! That never really happens. I mean, who are they kidding? Or at the very least, how big of a fire can a little drop (or piece, or crystal...) cause? You know the writers of general chem. books like to exaggerate.

OK, now let me speak from experience. First: if you think that booom is from your hood, you are probably wrong. It is really from mine. Second: Pirahna and acetone (anything organic actually) is a really bad idea. And finally, Butyl lithium (and BBr₃, and a whole host of others), will really catch fire when exposed to air (think spill) and a paper towel is not what you want to wipe that spill with, no matter how close they lie and how tempting they look!

So how do explosions happen? Let me list a few: 1. Reactions in closed tubes. My problem here is that it worked great the first time. So why not the second time? All the grease I am still having to clean up, after so many months tell me that I obviously did something wrong. Moral of story: If the reaction can be run in an open system, go for that.

2. Some things just don't like each other. Just like some girls just don't like guys or vice versa (but I deviate here). Spontaneous reactions really do exist. Every so often, ΔH and ΔS are just right and even the temperature too. Did I mention that explosions are exothermic reactions? Ok, so it is obvious...

3. Curiosity can literally kill the cat. I mean it. Really, if all the text books say it is a bad thing, it probably is...

Dear People Not in Graduate School

*This list includes my family, my friends, my enemies (I hope I don’t have too many), my former classmates, my former students, people I go to church with, random people off the street, and everyone else in-between

-Please don’t ask me when I am going to be done. I know how long I have been here. And it does depress me to think about it. And even when you do, please don’t sound like for whatever reason, I like being here so much and I don’t want to leave. Trust me; I am ready to leave this place (specifically grad school). In fact, I have been ready for a while. I am still here because the forces that be (namely results and advisor), are scheming to keep me here. Don’t worry; as soon as I know when, I will be the one to tell you. In the mean time, pray that I do finish what I have to do so that I can get out soon (and I mange to keep my sanity).

-Please don’t ask me what I do. Especially if you don’t speak ____ (insert my field of study). I know I have tried to explain to you. And I really tried hard. But unfortunately, I work in a tiny part of the most obscure area of my field of study. It is a PhD after all, not something real, like say, an MBA. Whenever I try to explain what I do, knowing that you really lack a lot of the vocabulary I could use (no offence to you - and yes, your talks about bonds or hedge funds or credit analysis make my eyes glaze over too), I end up over simplifying. And then I know you go away thinking I do something I really don’t do.
And please, please, please, if you are one of the few people (besides my advisor) who understand what I do, please don’t ask me why I am doing what I am doing or what I want to do with it. I know the responses: my advisor wants me to or we wrote a grant for that or something of the sort is probably not going to satisfy you. I wish I could change the world with my research. Unfortunately at this time, I don’t think it would happen. In the meantime, I can only hope that the other 6 people (ok, maybe a couple of hundred) in my area will care that I did what I do.

-Work and school are the same for me. So when you ask me how work is going and I tell you, I am really also telling you how school is too. Don’t ask me again how school is going. And no, I don’t have a “real” job. Lucky me, I get paid to go to school. But at this point, I would take a real job any day.
And when I complain about always being broke, don’t tell me to get a “real” job. First of all, my visa doesn’t allow me to work. And even if it did, I don’t have the time to. I barely have enough hours in the day as it is. The only appropriate response when I whine about not being able to take that trip I want to take is probably, “It will be OK. Someday soon you will have a real job.” Usually, all I want is the sympathy and the reassurance, and nothing more.

-I am not married. Neither am I getting married anytime soon. In fact, I am not even seeing anyone at the moment. I know, I am also surprised myself that I haven’t found anyone. (p.s. Thanks for your vote of confidence. I love you for that.) Fortunately for me, in my area of expertise, the odds are good but unfortunately, the goods are also odd. The subset of high odds and eligible goods is very small. But that line is really only an excuse. I know that I probably haven’t tried really hard. But what you don’t get is that I don’t really care, that much. Sorry mum, unfortunately, getting married and making babies is low on my list of priories right now. I know; my priorities are pretty screwed up.

Dear people not in grad school, I love you. Without your amazing support, I probably wouldn’t be able to do this. And that is what keeps me from telling you off when you ask me any of the above questions.

Deeply Profound Thought

OK, everyone hold your breath for this one:

So yesterday, as I was going along with my day, thinking mind boggling and life changing thoughts; thoughts for which I someday (pretty soon, please God!) hope to get a really advanced degree which will allow me to put on some extra pretenses, and go around with my head held high, with the all knowing look of someone who knows more that you do (ok, I digress, but stick with me please), I had a revolutionary thought.

I spend more time with my colleagues at work/school than most married couples spend together (awake or asleep), everyday, every week. So under common law in some places, (The details of such laws currently elude me. If I am motivated later, maybe I will look it up.) we are (wait for this) MARRIED!

This is how I see it. These common law marriage laws indicate that if a couple (probably only applies to straights at this time, but last I checked, there aren’t any women in my lab so there!) lives together for more that three or it is seven years (doesn’t really matter, we can work to modify these laws later), they are technically married. And so since I spend so much time with these guys here at work, I am married to each one of them.

So this is the plan. There is nothing like common law divorce. I know. Apparently, I can’t simply just stay away from work for a couple of years and claim divorce rights. Who would have thought! But that little detail won't stop on my way to achieving greatness. I am going to go out and get a divorce (the real way) from all of these guys. One after the other, all ten of them, so I can claim alimony from each of them. You may wonder, why all ten of them? I will enlighten you (Oh you non-deeply profound thoughts thinking person). They are graduate students, that is why. I will need the support from all ten of them if I can achieve the oh so lavish lifestyle I am envisioning right afterwards.

And that little detail of how I may have committed polyandry? Yes, I did look into that. Since it was through no fault of mine that I was put into this situation, of being forced to marry (I mean work) with these guys, I am OK. I am actually also looking into suing my boss for forceful arranged polyandry. That should add nicely to the treasure trove.

Now why no one ever thought of this wonderful idea is beyond me. Must be the same people who haven't thought of our pets owning their own pets or chocolate cover vegetables.

OK, you can let your breath out now. And come out celebrate with me in anticipation of all the riches I will make from my divorce settlements. Go ahead, have a drink on me. I can afford it (in the near future that is). Yay!

Coming up: Your (highly sporadic) regularly scheduled blogging (involving no such Deeply Profound Thoughts).

Random Quote

Because I don't have time for a real post:

I guess I have just gotten really good at sugar coating turd.

The big guy himself.

On making level B journal results sound like a level A journal results.

Poeple Who Make Me Sad

There are a lot of people in my life who make me happy. I remember a couple of years ago, at the beginning of a new academic year one of these great people mentioned to a new graduate student that the only way to survive grad school is to surround yourself with people who make you happy. I do that. And for the most part, I am happy. I appreciate all these wonderful people in my life. But they are not the topic of this post. I am thinking of the people who make me sad. The people who without trying, intentionally or unintentionally make me sad.

I talked to one such friend a couple of weeks ago. This is a friend from college. I would describe her as a hard working, motivated, ambitious go-getter. She completed college in three years, with high honours and took a great job with one of the biggest financial firms in the country. Within three years she was VP and making close to a quarter of a million dollars. She is someone I greatly respect and admire.

She lives far away from me now and so I never see her any more, I keep in touch by phone. But now every time I talk to her I leave the conversation with a weird feeling. A feeling I can best describe as sadness. There is the fact that I always seem to be the one doing the keeping in touch, she doesn’t always respond to calls or always has to stop talking to do something (more important?). That’s OK really. I understand having a life and being busy. But our conversations always seem to be about why I am still in grad school (yes it has really been five years, and I will probably be here for at least another year), will I ever make enough money (probably never as much as I would if I was doing what she does) and the all important why are you still single/not seeing anyone.

I always leave these conversations feeling really inadequate and insecure. Of course I wish I was done with graduate school. I didn’t plan to spend this long here. You reminding me everyday is not helping me; neither is it going to make me finish any sooner. Do I ever doubt my choice to go into the sciences instead of finance? Sure, I do. At least once a day, and even more on days when stupid reactions are even stupider; even more so knowing that the two of us started out in the same path but went different ways after the first year of college. I will never make as much money but I will probably (I hope) work fewer hours and be happier in a job with less risk. And no, money is not all. As for the relationships, it’s too long a story to talk about right now. Maybe if you were nicer, I would let you read my blog.

I had decided that I am not going to talk to her for a while. It does me no good to. But then she sent me a sweet text message to see how I am doing. And now I am feeling guilty about all my angry thoughts.

Ok, the end.

Public Displays of Affection

I am always weirded (according to MS Word, this is apparently not a word) out by PDA. My friends think I am some kind of prude, because I always roll my eyes or say something when I witness PDA. That’s probably a big chunk of it. But there are a few other legitimate (I believe) reasons.

First of, blame my attitude on the part of the world I come from. The culture/family I grew up in has never been one to show physical affection. Sure, kids hug their parents, and get back rubs and lay in their laps and whatever. But I find that seems to wear off after a few years. Maybe after ten years, or even earlier. Friends, sibling, same sex, opposite sex hold hand in public. It is perfectly accepted. Once it becomes “romantic,” however, then that’s a big No, No. We don’t do that.

I have never seen my parents kiss (thank God for that), or hug, and besides cursory touches, perhaps to guide during a walk or when opening a door, I have never seen any kind of physical affection shown. I always give my parents and siblings hugs when I go home or leave home. I am not sure if it is because that happens when I have been away from a while or will be gone for a while. But that’s about it.

But I have also never been in any doubt of my parents/sibling love and affection for me and for each other. There’s my Dad calling me if I don’t call at the regular time I do ever week or him calling whenever there is any report of any hazard in the US to see if I am OK. There is my Dad staying up to make sure my mum gets home each night before he can go to bed, or my mum calling my dad to make sure he has reached his destination when he is on a trip, or calling to make sure he has eaten when she is away from home. I guess I simply speak a different language. Physical affection is kept in private.

So when it comes to opposite sex couples, this is where my inhibitions come from. On the other hand, for same sex couples, I have different reasons, depending on where we are. On the east coast/north east (i.e. liberal, accepting, tolerant), my attitude is similar to opposite sex couples – Go get a room already! In more conservative regions however, I am usually also worried of what “others” see or would do. As cute as it is (in my head) to see any couple hold hand or kiss (no, I don’t care who you are, full blown make out sessions, should NOT be in public), with same sex couples I always have an added tinge of apprehension. Like, I hope there isn’t a bigot close by. I hope no one will say anything mean to them, I hope some crazy off their meds is not around. Maybe it is my internalized homophobia speaking. I don’t know.

So to all my friends who are couples (which seems to be everyone I know now), when I roll my eyes or make some random comment, it is not really about you. It is indeed about me. And all in my head. Really.

This topic reminds me of my high school’s rule book or whatever you will call. In the list of things you cannot do, students are reminded that “public displays of affection” and “overt displays of intimacy” are frowned upon. I remember as a 15 year old starting high school thinking, “Ewww, and who wants to do that anyway?” Did I mention that I was a late developer? Really late! I never really did get the giggles around boys (or girls either) or figure out why boys are special really. Of course now I can appreciate that concept. But I have no personal experience with the stupid giggly, eye fluttering stuff. I think.

I remember distinctly this friend in high school taking it on them self to teach me to give hugs. Most of the people in my school had either grown up in different cultures (e.g. The Ethiopians were all about kissing every random person on the cheeks to say hello), or had travelled a lot abroad and so were used to hugs and kisses to show affection. “Cousin Selly”, as this friend called me, “we definitely can’t have that,” she said. I do remember how awkward it was for me learning what to do with my arms and such.

The good news is that I turned out to be a really good hugger, if I do say so myself. As it turns out, when it comes to Love Languages, I speak Physical Touch. That is, I tend to show affection to the people I care about by my touch – a hug, a pat on the back, a ruffling of hair, etc. That is what I speak.

On the other hand, that’s not the language I respond to. Random people touching me? Weird! If I know you and I am comfortable with you (and it is really easy to know when I am), go ahead and touch me all you want. Otherwise, stay away. I hear Quality Time. Yes, spending five minutes with me is more important that buying me a diamond ring. Not that anyone is offering to buy me one at the moment. But if they were…

Update/Addendum:

This posting was actually written yesterday afternoon. Later in the evening, I turned on my TV to watch 20-20 on ABC. Coincidentally, they were doing a piece on Gay PDA. A video of the piece can also be seen here. Apparently, it doesn’t matter where you are in the country, most people don’t mind seeing PDA, even the same sex kind. And of course all over the country, from Birmingham AL in the south to Vermont in the north, there are people who are strongly opposed to same sex PDA.

Unfortunately, when some of the people who were strongly opposed to PDA were questioned, it wasn’t very obvious to me whether they were opposed to PDA in general or only to same sex PDA. A few did talk about how “this isn’t what God wants.”

Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life"

This is a really cute video.

Random quote 2

Is caesium poisonous? I think I spilt some in my mouth.

Another frustrated colleague.

How you accidentally spill a chemical in your mouth, I do not know. Good thing it wasn't really ceasium, and he didn't really spill. I love the guys I work with. Most days.

What I want

A blogger I read posted an old email from three years. In this email, he talked about his sexuality and questioned whether being gay or ex-gay is the right choice for him. He is an ex-gay who has recently leaned towards being more ex-ex-gay. He mentioned that he feels differently now. But even though he does, there are some parts of him that remains the same. It would have been interesting to have him mention which parts of that old email still feel the same to him.

But even if he is questioning again, I think it is probably normal, for most people. I will be hard pressed to believe someone who says that they are always certain of the choices they make all the time. I like it when posts are personal. It allows you to get a better feel of who they are and where they stand and how they are doing. I think. But, it is always weird for me when someone's feelings/thoughts mirror my own so much. I was recently talking to a friend about "What I want." Truthfully, I don't know.

Do I want to be with a man, "do I strive for the perfect suburban existence? A gas-guzzling SUV with kids and a mortgage payment I can’t afford. Would I want a husband if I wasn't sexually attracted to him" all the time?

Or do I want to be with a woman, in some city, some place, probably with a gas guzzling truck this time? :-) Would I want a wife if I wasn't attracted to her all the time? And this is certainly not the same as married couples not wanting/needing to have sex all the time.

Lucky me, I do get a choice. I am bisexual after all. I get to "pick" which I want. I am sure I will probably be equally happy. For different reasons. Option one will probably be the easier option. It will be make me happy - and my parents too (and right now, they are pretty much the only people I will give consideration in such an important decision). In an ideal world, this is the option I would want, without even thinking about it.

Option two is probably the more difficult option. It would probably kill my parents (I think, I am pretty certain) and I could probably never go home with her. Plus realistically, it is a harder option in the world we live in. Not that it is impossible. And no, if I got to choose, (without any such hinderances as also being attracted to women) this would NOT be my choice.

The other option I have given considerable thought to is having/adopting a baby by myself with some generous donor (any offers guys?) and living a celibate life. This choice comes with the task of explaining such a choice. Celibacy however has very little appeal for me. It is all fine and dandy in the short term but certainly not in the long term.

For me, there really aren’t any of the God issues here. I am pretty certain that in the grand scheme of things, God does not care as much about whom I share my bed with as people seem to think. And yes, this is a personal revelation/thought. I have often said that neither side of the issue has been able to convince me with anything from the bible. [When put to it, I can argue both sides of the issue equally well.]

The result of all of this confusion is that "I haven’t had “feelings” towards anyone of either sex in a long time. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will." Everyone around me says I am too picky. That's probably true. But the real issue here is that I am afraid. Afraid of not being true to one part of myself. Afraid that I can't possibly be truly happy, with a man or a woman. That I am going to commit to a man/woman and then want the other after a few weeks, years, whatever.

I will need to get over all of that. All in good time I guess.

As usual, I start out energetically and then suddenly loose my steam. Ask me if you want and I will say some more about my recent thoughts on these issues.