Thursday 19 July 2007

I am Bisexual



I am attracted to both men and women.

Maybe now that I have written that down, I will someday be more comfortable saying it out loud. More often, more confidently, (more proudly?).

I have often paused to consider where I fall on the Kinsey scale. I think I am probably a 3 or a 4. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I think my answer would probably change depending on what kind of week I am having. For instance, does that fact that I have only seen guys I have been attracted to in the last few weeks make me straight? Or maybe that in the weeks before that, no one really caught my eye and so I was asexual then? It is silly really when we start labelling people, and things and feelings, and attractions. But I do.

It is interesting that I was up for doing a posting on sexuality. I just had a talk with one of my colleagues. She told me that another guy we work with thinks I am lesbian. That he won’t be surprised if some ten years from now, I did come out. He came to that conclusion after learning that I went to a women’s college (and I admit, I am a bit of a feminist and somewhat butch as well). Way to stereotype. Unfortunately (or not), I meet that stereotype, in this instance. Not that I would ever come out to him. He always passes these comments that seem really homophobic to me, but he always insists that he is simply joking. Plus he has a lot of gay friends so he cannot be a bigot, right? It is funny really. I want t go up to him and say, “You know, you got it wrong. I am not lesbian, I am simply bisexual.” If anything I would love to see him blanche (or whatever his reaction will be).

But then I am not sure he will believe me. A lot of people think that people who claim to be bisexual are really gays or lesbians in denial. Sometimes I think I am a heterosexual in denial. That maybe this attraction for women is all in my head. Sometimes I WANT it to be all in my head. So that some day when I give it a really good shake (my head I mean), I will go back to being normal. Sometimes, I am fine the way I am, abnormal.

[NB: I am using the words “normal” and “abnormal” here the way over 60% of the world’s population uses it. I am realistic enough to know that pro-gay supporters insisting that something is or isn’t doesn’t necessarily mean that the rest of the world agrees with them. My own opinion on this issue is fodder for another post.]

But I won’t say anything to him. Not now, or probably never. First of all, he is a big blabber mouth. But more importantly, I really want to keep my private life separate from my professional life. What I do (or don’t do) when I am not working is no one at work’s business. It is easier that way.

Plus I am way at the back of the proverbial closet. OK, not really. I am out to a few people. People I am comfortable with, who I know are going to be supportive of whatever decisions I take and who I trust to use this information wisely. When I am out to people, I don’t mind who they out me to, as long as it is relevant and they let me know that they did. Because, I hate not knowing that they know if they do know and I usually want them to know that I know that they know.

Besides my parents and my family (because it is too complicated), there really isn’t anyone who I would care if they knew.

Thursday 12 July 2007

I am African

Where are you from originally?

I get asked this question or some version of it all the time by people I meet. This subject usually comes up after they hear me speak and realise that I sound different. (By the way, I don’t have an accent, you do!). This sounds like a really simple question. But for me it isn’t. I mean, do you mean where did I live before I move here (i.e. where I live now)? Or before that? Or before that (i.e. before the first that)?

I once told a friend I met here that I was from one of the bigger cities in Massachusetts. That’s true. That’s where I lived during my undergrad (or at least close to it). That is where I lived my first three years in America. That’s where I lived before I moved here. I thought it made for a simple response. But I am not really from Massachusetts.

I grew up in Africa. In one of the western countries. In the capital city of said country. And so I could say I come from there, you know, from that city. And sometimes I do say that. After all, I lived there my entire life before moving here. And so to an American, I talk about my country and maybe the city I grew up in.

But if I was asked that same question at home (i.e. my home country), I could never get away with that. Even though I had lived there all my life, the city I grew up in isn’t where my ancestors are from. My ancestors (my parents’ families) are from someplace else. A smaller town away from where I grew up. And so that is where I am from. Even though I have never spent more that a few weekends there my entire life. This is my response to people from my country.

But where do I think I come from? The world? Planet Earth? The answer is not that simple. I am a woman of the world. Not really from one place but from all over, every place I have lived. Never really at home in any place but not exactly a foreigner either. I believe that when people ask about my origins, they want some idea of what my experiences have been. They wonder what events have shaped my views. I spent my first 19 years in Africa, so a lot of my basic ideals are shaped by my experiences there. But all my mature and more recent thoughts on social, cultural and political issues have been formed in my time living here. These more grown up values were formulated and clarified and tested after I lived on my own. Away from the bubble of “Mum and Dad can fix anything so do not think too much for yourself.”

And why does where I come from matter anyway? Because in subsequent posts, I may discuss African politics, or current American legislation, or whatever. I want you to understand where I am coming from. What my inherent (and so unintentional) biases stem from. Maybe why I have some opinions. Sometimes it is easier to just say I am African. Because I am, and I am proud of that.

Friday 6 July 2007

ABECEDARIAN

Where do I start? I have read a lot of blogs these last few months. Everybody raves about the therapeutic effects of writing your thoughts and feelings and experiences down. To help you clarify your thoughts. To have a record of events. For posterity. Whatever. For now, I simply think it is a fun thing to do.

Too often I let people label me. I let people tell me what I am and what I am not; what to be and what not to be; how to behave and how not to. I am tired of that. I am tired of trying to be the way other people want me to be. I don’t want to get upset when I don’t meet the standards other people set for me. I want to be me. In all my glories, with all my imperfections, in all my strengths, with all my inadequacies.

So I picked my own labels (before someone else does), words that count, to me. Most of these adjectives describe some aspect of me. Some of them are characteristics I have had for a long time, qualities I understand and am happy with. A few are words that I am embarrassed to use to describe myself, traits that I don’t necessarily want or want to improve on. A few of these are things I want to be, and a few persona randomly thrown in just because. Together, they are all me.

I am African, Bisexual and Christian, a foreigner in a strange land trying to reconcile my sexuality with my faith. I Dream, of a time when everyone has Equal rights and privileges and when Females are treated as they deserve. I spend my days as a Graduate student, but I really want to be a Humanitarian, with very Idealist views about changing the world. In Joy, I share my Kindness with the people I am Loyal to. Although I may come of as Maladjusted sometimes, my Nerdy Optimism wishes for a Plural society. In my Quest for knowledge, my Redeemed soul is sometimes at odds with the Science I study. I am Tall, Unique, Voluptuous, and all Woman. I may seem to be a Xenophile but I am really Yearning to live a life full of Zest.

Here goes nothing.