Dear People Not in Graduate School

*This list includes my family, my friends, my enemies (I hope I don’t have too many), my former classmates, my former students, people I go to church with, random people off the street, and everyone else in-between

-Please don’t ask me when I am going to be done. I know how long I have been here. And it does depress me to think about it. And even when you do, please don’t sound like for whatever reason, I like being here so much and I don’t want to leave. Trust me; I am ready to leave this place (specifically grad school). In fact, I have been ready for a while. I am still here because the forces that be (namely results and advisor), are scheming to keep me here. Don’t worry; as soon as I know when, I will be the one to tell you. In the mean time, pray that I do finish what I have to do so that I can get out soon (and I mange to keep my sanity).

-Please don’t ask me what I do. Especially if you don’t speak ____ (insert my field of study). I know I have tried to explain to you. And I really tried hard. But unfortunately, I work in a tiny part of the most obscure area of my field of study. It is a PhD after all, not something real, like say, an MBA. Whenever I try to explain what I do, knowing that you really lack a lot of the vocabulary I could use (no offence to you - and yes, your talks about bonds or hedge funds or credit analysis make my eyes glaze over too), I end up over simplifying. And then I know you go away thinking I do something I really don’t do.
And please, please, please, if you are one of the few people (besides my advisor) who understand what I do, please don’t ask me why I am doing what I am doing or what I want to do with it. I know the responses: my advisor wants me to or we wrote a grant for that or something of the sort is probably not going to satisfy you. I wish I could change the world with my research. Unfortunately at this time, I don’t think it would happen. In the meantime, I can only hope that the other 6 people (ok, maybe a couple of hundred) in my area will care that I did what I do.

-Work and school are the same for me. So when you ask me how work is going and I tell you, I am really also telling you how school is too. Don’t ask me again how school is going. And no, I don’t have a “real” job. Lucky me, I get paid to go to school. But at this point, I would take a real job any day.
And when I complain about always being broke, don’t tell me to get a “real” job. First of all, my visa doesn’t allow me to work. And even if it did, I don’t have the time to. I barely have enough hours in the day as it is. The only appropriate response when I whine about not being able to take that trip I want to take is probably, “It will be OK. Someday soon you will have a real job.” Usually, all I want is the sympathy and the reassurance, and nothing more.

-I am not married. Neither am I getting married anytime soon. In fact, I am not even seeing anyone at the moment. I know, I am also surprised myself that I haven’t found anyone. (p.s. Thanks for your vote of confidence. I love you for that.) Fortunately for me, in my area of expertise, the odds are good but unfortunately, the goods are also odd. The subset of high odds and eligible goods is very small. But that line is really only an excuse. I know that I probably haven’t tried really hard. But what you don’t get is that I don’t really care, that much. Sorry mum, unfortunately, getting married and making babies is low on my list of priories right now. I know; my priorities are pretty screwed up.

Dear people not in grad school, I love you. Without your amazing support, I probably wouldn’t be able to do this. And that is what keeps me from telling you off when you ask me any of the above questions.

Public Displays of Affection

I am always weirded (according to MS Word, this is apparently not a word) out by PDA. My friends think I am some kind of prude, because I always roll my eyes or say something when I witness PDA. That’s probably a big chunk of it. But there are a few other legitimate (I believe) reasons.

First of, blame my attitude on the part of the world I come from. The culture/family I grew up in has never been one to show physical affection. Sure, kids hug their parents, and get back rubs and lay in their laps and whatever. But I find that seems to wear off after a few years. Maybe after ten years, or even earlier. Friends, sibling, same sex, opposite sex hold hand in public. It is perfectly accepted. Once it becomes “romantic,” however, then that’s a big No, No. We don’t do that.

I have never seen my parents kiss (thank God for that), or hug, and besides cursory touches, perhaps to guide during a walk or when opening a door, I have never seen any kind of physical affection shown. I always give my parents and siblings hugs when I go home or leave home. I am not sure if it is because that happens when I have been away from a while or will be gone for a while. But that’s about it.

But I have also never been in any doubt of my parents/sibling love and affection for me and for each other. There’s my Dad calling me if I don’t call at the regular time I do ever week or him calling whenever there is any report of any hazard in the US to see if I am OK. There is my Dad staying up to make sure my mum gets home each night before he can go to bed, or my mum calling my dad to make sure he has reached his destination when he is on a trip, or calling to make sure he has eaten when she is away from home. I guess I simply speak a different language. Physical affection is kept in private.

So when it comes to opposite sex couples, this is where my inhibitions come from. On the other hand, for same sex couples, I have different reasons, depending on where we are. On the east coast/north east (i.e. liberal, accepting, tolerant), my attitude is similar to opposite sex couples – Go get a room already! In more conservative regions however, I am usually also worried of what “others” see or would do. As cute as it is (in my head) to see any couple hold hand or kiss (no, I don’t care who you are, full blown make out sessions, should NOT be in public), with same sex couples I always have an added tinge of apprehension. Like, I hope there isn’t a bigot close by. I hope no one will say anything mean to them, I hope some crazy off their meds is not around. Maybe it is my internalized homophobia speaking. I don’t know.

So to all my friends who are couples (which seems to be everyone I know now), when I roll my eyes or make some random comment, it is not really about you. It is indeed about me. And all in my head. Really.

This topic reminds me of my high school’s rule book or whatever you will call. In the list of things you cannot do, students are reminded that “public displays of affection” and “overt displays of intimacy” are frowned upon. I remember as a 15 year old starting high school thinking, “Ewww, and who wants to do that anyway?” Did I mention that I was a late developer? Really late! I never really did get the giggles around boys (or girls either) or figure out why boys are special really. Of course now I can appreciate that concept. But I have no personal experience with the stupid giggly, eye fluttering stuff. I think.

I remember distinctly this friend in high school taking it on them self to teach me to give hugs. Most of the people in my school had either grown up in different cultures (e.g. The Ethiopians were all about kissing every random person on the cheeks to say hello), or had travelled a lot abroad and so were used to hugs and kisses to show affection. “Cousin Selly”, as this friend called me, “we definitely can’t have that,” she said. I do remember how awkward it was for me learning what to do with my arms and such.

The good news is that I turned out to be a really good hugger, if I do say so myself. As it turns out, when it comes to Love Languages, I speak Physical Touch. That is, I tend to show affection to the people I care about by my touch – a hug, a pat on the back, a ruffling of hair, etc. That is what I speak.

On the other hand, that’s not the language I respond to. Random people touching me? Weird! If I know you and I am comfortable with you (and it is really easy to know when I am), go ahead and touch me all you want. Otherwise, stay away. I hear Quality Time. Yes, spending five minutes with me is more important that buying me a diamond ring. Not that anyone is offering to buy me one at the moment. But if they were…

Update/Addendum:

This posting was actually written yesterday afternoon. Later in the evening, I turned on my TV to watch 20-20 on ABC. Coincidentally, they were doing a piece on Gay PDA. A video of the piece can also be seen here. Apparently, it doesn’t matter where you are in the country, most people don’t mind seeing PDA, even the same sex kind. And of course all over the country, from Birmingham AL in the south to Vermont in the north, there are people who are strongly opposed to same sex PDA.

Unfortunately, when some of the people who were strongly opposed to PDA were questioned, it wasn’t very obvious to me whether they were opposed to PDA in general or only to same sex PDA. A few did talk about how “this isn’t what God wants.”